I May Never

Things happen in life, without any explanation, no warning, or clue. The saying goes ‘Everything happens for a reason’, what if you never get the reason, or the lesson behind life’s goings ons? I am very fond of learning and accept any opportunity for growth, but this one thing I’ll never get. Death. I am fully aware that EVERYONE must go at some point in time. I have lost family so near and dear to me. At age 20, my grandfather died from a heart attack caused by a ruptured aneurysm. When I turned 25, I lost my stepmom (in the midst of celebrating my daughters life) shock was the culprit. After battling ALS for 2-3 years. Now, in the midst of my adult-ism, my friend was taken from me at the young age of 31. I may never get over this one. I guess because there was illnesses that we were aware of, that made it easier to accept the fate of my grandpa and stepmom. But my friend, I just don’t get. I am probably on the verge of or actually shedding tears everyday because I miss her so. I mean to be speaking with a person who sounds absolutely normal and within a couple hours,they’re gone. I just don’t understand. I have thought about going to a grief counselor, because I know that my sister is tired of being my shoulder! Lol! We had so many plans, and to be quite honest so much more living to do. I remember we’d be on the phone and I’d be rambling on about my wedding plans and she’d say ‘I guess I ain’t never gettin married’ my optimism always lifted her spirits because I always had a plan of how we would snag her a man if her current situation didn’t work out. I’m sure she didn’t know that she wouldn’t be married because her time was cut short. I hurt. Plain and simple. Daily. I hurt. I get frustrated at times because I miss her so much. I want to be angry at someone, but who? Sometimes I want to lay in the middle of the floor, and kick and scream and cry in a childish hissy fit rampage. The only thing that stops me is because I know she’d tell me to get my ass up off the floor lookin like a damn fool!!! Lol. Knowing that she wouldn’t want me to be mourning as long as I have should work as a sort of sign to me. Some days in the midst of my tears, I hear her voice telling me to ‘man up’. I smile. But I still hurt knowing that I’ll never hear voice, whether she’s yellin’, cussin’ and fussin’, laughin and joking or just idly conversing. I’ll miss sharing music with her. Sometimes I’d just call her and play music for hours and we’d sit and sing. Thinking and reminiscing on fun, crazy, and sometimes sad things that have happened. This was no ordinary friendship. This one held a significance to it that far surpasses any word or group of words I could put together. Just as my children are a daily staple in my life, as was she. Even if it was for only 2 minutes. She was ALWAYS there for me no matter the time. I called her once at around 5 a.m. Leaving my aunts house, tipsy & mad at my family. As I sat in the car in front of my house ranting, I paused mid-convo, she on the other end screaming ‘Rayniesha!!’. (A nickname she had for me) I shh-ed her. I’m like ‘bitch, its a deer walking down the street.’ She fell out laughing and asked ‘What were you drinking again?!’ As God as my witness, there was a deer walking down a residential street in the city! She asked ‘A deer?! Girl okay.’ I replied ‘yes, bitch BAMBI!!!’ We’d both just laughed until I hung up on her to try to get a good pic of it so she’d believe me. Excuse me if I’m boring you or making you sad, but this particular blog isn’t for you, its for me. Its because of my friend. I could go on and on about the times we’ve shared. I can say there was never a dull moment because she was down for whatever. I’m jelly that heaven now has my crony, indulging in her bluntness, her humor, her beauty inside and out. I’m sure that some of those angels are feeling some sort of way because she showed up and showed out with a spirit so big its beyond ANYONE’S comprehension. Truly blessed was she, and truly blessed I am to have shared almost 20 years of friendship with her. I love you girl. Rest in peace Mz. Schawn LaKesha Tunstall, I miss you so.